I Find A Finger With A Ring On It

I find a Finger with a Nice Ring on it
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Beware of what you wish for, you may not get it, and then you'll be bummed.
There is a schizm amongst my spacefriends. Half of you want more Woody and the Stuffed Shirts stories and half of you want constant updates on my mother's introduction into the bondage world. Maybe those makeover t.v. people know what they are talking about, and my mom will have a hit show with her becoming a Dominatrix in her retirement years. My mother made me go with her to get bondage clothes and later this week she wants me to discuss her bondage career with her Rabbi. As you can imagine, I'm really not looking foward to that. Tonight, I thought I'd tell you a little story about Woody and our first Holmesian type mystery. We solved a bunch of crimes in the East Village when we worked together in the Junkshop. Of course, at the time, I did not know Woody was an Agent Provocateur. We would bet money on cases as to who would solve them first.Woody always won. I had no idea he was getting information from the FBI, the CIA and any other intelligence agency in the world. I was getting information from Crack Whores, Junkman, Bohemians and a whino cop. Who'd you put your money on? I held my own, but to this day I still own Woody money. A considerable bit. I've decided to welch on paying Woody because of his dirty little secrets. He suggests I pay up.
A little background on Woody : His physique is slight, He stands five foot eight inches in his top hat and he always wore his top hat. Do not be decieved by his slightness for he has a sleight of hand as well. He also had a considedrable punch. Let's not forget that Bruce Lee was a little guy as well as Buster Keaton.
Woody, also lived his life in another time zone. Agent Provocateur or not, Woody lived in a different time zone and though he moved very slowly, or not at all, he was able to cover a lot of ground. He almost sounds like a superhero. So be it, Woody had superhero qualities. Good and bad. Let me give you an example
Woody's training as an Agent Provocateur allowed him to stand in one place for considerable lengths of time without movement. Imagine, the turn of the 19th century when a photographer made you stand and wait for a flash. That was Woody. Now, as you know, I can chatter incessintly about nothing important but I like to think it's clever. So, do you have the setup? We were like a strange vaudeville act. He stands there with no movement and my arms are flailing excidedly as I gesticulate about chicken ass, "Now, Woody you can go to the supermarket and buy every imaginable bag of chicken parts. You can buy your chicken feet, you can buy your chicken gizzards, you can buy twenty pounds of chicken liver for a quarter a pound, but no shop anywhere can you buy chicken ass."
Now, when I'm riffing like this and there are other people in the store, Woody barely breathes and I'm flying. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a beautiful girl standing there with her jaw dropping. Now, I see this as an opportunity to show off, or what I think is showing off. We're like Penn and Teller. I feel like I have this woman in the palm of my hand, "Now, chicken ass is way under rated. They usually throw no part of an animal out. What are they doing with all the chicken ass? Answer me Woody, what are they doing with the delectible chicken ass?"
Barely moving, "I am a vegetarian, but you may be the only one concerned about chicken ass in this day and age."
The beautiful blonde screamed,"I thought you were a crazy man talking to a mannequin and then he moved and talked. She turned and ran out the store.
She's mine I thought. She dropped something on her way out the door. I went to pick it up and jumped back as if it were a snake hissing at me. It was a finger with a ring on it. Suddenly, Woody was in motion. He picked up the finger with no hesitation. He was more interested in examining the ring than the finger. The finger was stiff and he put some muscle to the ring and finger and seperated the two. He flipped the ring to me and threw the finger in the garbage.
"That's your reaction? A woman drops a finger in the store and your reaction is to seperate the two and throw the finger out. I'm sure there's someone very interested in that finger."
"The finger is no good. It's too old and Flip doesn't even want the ring anymore. He told me so himself this morning at five thirty."
Wait... What am I missing here? You know the owner of the finger and the ring and it doesn't matter?
"That is correct."
"How can that be correct? How can someone not care about his finger?"
"He told me his finger was getting in the way anyway."
"Getting in the way of what?
"The rest of his hand."
"Woody, I feel like you're fucking with me. Just like they don't sell chicken ass in the supermarket, you are making a hard sell on Flip's finger."
"Last night Flip threw up in the wrong girl's mouth and then his finger was cut off and he was dragged down to a stop sign on Avenue A and tenth street and duct taped to that stop sign. I cut him down with the other Stuffed Shirts at five thirty this morning..."
"What! What are you talking about. I want to go talk to Flip and give him his ring back."
"We can go talk to Flip because I still need some information from him but he doesn't want the ring."
"Chicken Ass," I said."
"He doesn't want it."
"Why not?"
"Its cursed."
"What do you mean he threw up in the wrong girl's mouth?"
"He's missing his finger right."



End of PartI We talk to Flip next time