Trust Everyone But Cut The Deck Of Cards Anyway

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The Vortex

Last Updated:
Jul 10, 2007
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Gender: Male
Status: Married
Age: 47
Sign: Capricorn

City: BROOKLYN
State: New York
Country: US

Signup Date: 06/17/07

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007


Trust Everyone,But Cut The Deck Of CardsII
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

So, I'm still kind of dizzy from jumping into the East River.I'd prefer not to got to a hospital yet. I'm sure I'm just tired from dragging the East River looking for those fucking urns, I mean loved ones.Well, at least I found them, and retrieved the money my wife hid in them.( I gave myself a reward). Anyway, now these urns are still back in the house and now they stink. There is something green growing on them... There's a fungus among us... Which reminds me of another story...

I was on Long Island at a flea market. Two other junkmen were scrambling around,"Where's the t.v.? Somebody stole that little t.v."
I looked around and saw a big lady wobbling off. I suspected the television was between her legs. I suspected she pulled down her panties and stuck the t.v. between her legs. I told the junkmen my suspicions. They nodded, "Let her keep the t.v."
That was not good enough for me. I trust my detective abilities and ran after her...She wanted to give me back the t.v. but I suggested she just give me some donation. I went back to the Junkmen and handed them twenty.They only wanted fifteen for it.
We watched her mosey off into the sunset.
"Where's the t.v. antennae," one of the junkmen said, as they scrambled around looking for it.
I didn't even want to venture to guess.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Trust Everyone,But Cut The Deck Of Cards
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers


I cleanout apartments and houses after people die. Sometimes, there are no relatives. There's always a lot of garbage, but how can I throw out their remains. So I don't. I bring them home and my wife just shakes her head.
We have a new baby boy in the house and the apartment we're in is getting cramped. Every kid I have, means I have to get rid of 100 boxes of stuff. So, I figured it was time to get rid of these loved ones; the wife didn't want them and I could count these guys as two boxes of stuff off my list. I didn't want to throw them out. So, I pondered and decided that they should be buried at sea. I didn't just want to chuck them from the shore, so I took my inflatable raft and went about fifty feet into the East River from the Greenpoint side. I came home feeling pretty good about the loved ones...
My wife was ghostly white, "Where are the guys?"
I thought she was going to thank me,"Its o.k. hon, they have a new home."
"You ass. Those guys had money in them. I've been saving money in them."
"Well, they're in the East River now."
"Well go get them. There's alot of money in them."
"How much?"
She wouldn't say. I know why she wouldn't say. If she told me how much, I might just come home with that amount by selling something good. She kind of figured that I wouldn't want to go diving in the East River. The other thought I had was that she didn't want me to know just how much money she was taking from the business without telling me. How much could it be. 500 bucks, 5,000 bucks,50,000 bucks. How much could it really be. So, that's how I ended up in the East River today. I had to know what my wife was saving.
I was scared to go into the East River. The Greenpoint side is polluted. I know that sounds weird but the Greenpoint side had that oil spill fifty years ago and from what I understand if you fall in, one is recommended to go to your local hospital. Of course, I would rather die than go to Woodhull hospital's emergency room,(Woodhull is the local hospital) where one may die just waiting to be saved. So, I had an extra hundred on me to give to the ambulance driver to make sure I get into a Manhattan hospital if I needed it. So, as you can see I had a plan. I had a boat, I had an anchor, I had balloons to float the guys back to the surface. How deep could it be? It was a day at the beach.
It was hot today, so I tried to convince myself that the water was just going to cool me off.
A couple of Polish old guys were fishing when I got there and I tried to explain to them that they shouldn't eat the fish they catch but they were too amazed by my orange raft and scuba gear,"Police business," I told them and they high tailed it out of that area.

The water felt great. I was all sweaty and the water felt cool and fresh. A little bit like a dirty bath but not too bad. Tourist boats and barges created ripples in the water and shifted me around. I kept thinking that I might find a body in the water and then I would have to explain how I was in the water to find my dead guys but this arm was not part of my guys.
I found my guys pretty fast surprizingly. The boxes were covered in green whatever. It wasn't seaweed. It was green whatever, I'd rather not think about it.
Success, until my raft started sinking. Damn. I dumped the anchor and somehow got it all ashore where my biggest nightmare was waiting for me...

Cops.

Cops are my biggest nightmare. If the military would have been waiting for me there would be some explaining to do but I 'd get out. Sometimes, cops can be a drag. I never understand why. There are so many cops on t.v. and movies that I've loved. Columbo, Kojak, really the list is long. Yet, New York cops can be dense. Only what they say to each other is funny or meaningful.
I had an edge. They did not want to cuff me or bring me into a car. Quite frankly, I stunk. I think there was even shit in my hair. What a break. I knew they wanted to believe any story I told them as long as they didn't have to touch me.
I said, "Taking these samples in for the city to determine the pollutants in order to get some fiscal increases for the coming year."
Cops are so underpaid in this city that they just nodded.Everything they do is because of money and fiscal bullshit.
They looked a little irritated, "Have someone call us ahead of time,otherwise we get calls about terrorists."
"Sorry about that, next time my superviser will call, I'm just the underpaid lackey. Listen, can you guys help me bring thses sample cans of irritant pollutants to the van."
"No!" They both said and turned to go back to their car.

When I got home, my wife was waiting for me at the door, "So did you find all the guys?"
"All but one," I said.
"How much money?"
"About four thousand dollars?"
"The last one had another fifteen hundred in it."
"We'll just have to work a little harder," I said and gave her a big stink hug.
She gasped.