My Laundry With Harvey II: Shanghai Vasectomy

Thursday, July 12, 2007


My Laundry With Harvey II: Shanghai Vasectomy

This is how Harvey shanghai'd me to get an emergency vasectomy yesterday during the heatwave. First he sucker punched me with a fancy bullshit speach...
"I know a lot of criminals. I know the smart ones as well as the dumb ones. Most are dumb, I made sure to go to a federal pen, so that I could meet some of the smarter ones. I was tired of petty criminals, I wanted to meet the masterminds. The thing about most criminals is that they are stupid. Yet, these stupid motherfuckers hardly ever get caught. I mean stupid criminals always get caught because they don't know when to quit and they hardly ever have a plan. Yet, they have to commit a hundred crimes, sometimes commiting as many as a dozen stupid things in a day, day after day. Look at Chucky for instance. still he goes unnoticed for months or years...
"Chucky almost killed me before the fourth. He had these vintage fireworks and I banged my head on his truck and was bleeding and then he drove around with me in the back,in the heat."
Harvey ignored me, "Most criminals constantly are commiting crimes. So, imagine if you are a calculating criminal. The problem of course for the masterminds is when they become too smart for their own good and forget that they can make a mistake."
"Harvey, I don't know where you're going with this, but I'm not getting involved with any mastermind crime you are planning, I just want to finish the laundry, kiss the babies goodbye and go to the junkstore before it gets too late."
We finished our laundry and Harvey sucker punched me, "Listen kid I know you wanted to go to work but I'm having a heart attack."
"You really don't look like a man having a heart attack."
"Are you taking me or not?"
"How can a man having a heart attack, be so calm."
"If I get excited, I could die."
"Shouldn't we call an ambulance?"
"I got my ambulance around the corner."
"What do you mean, you have your ambulance around the corner?"
"Instead of a limo with a driver, I own an ambulance with a driver. I never have to wait in traffic, and on occassion I've been able to save a life or two."
"Wow! You are a mastermind."
We went around the corner and lo and behold, there was an ambulance with a driver. It was Chucky from the neighborhood.
"Oh no. He's a dumb criminal," I said. What happened to your masterminds?"
"You got to start somewhere," he said as we entered the back of the ambulance with his little bag of laundry and my three large bags.
Chucky turned on the siren and instantly began weaving in and out of traffic heading over the Williamsburg Bridge. I have to say, I was really into the ride. I felt like I was in a James Bond chase scene. Chucky had found his true vocation, a truly great ambulance driver.Harvey offered me oxygen. I declined. He sucked it up in this mask, "You'd never believe how great breathing oxygen could be."

Something was wrong but how could I guess that my wife orchestrated this insanity, so that I could have a vasectomy. She knew I was busy just trying to work and help take care of the kids but she was ready to start having sex again , and didn't want any more kids. She knew that I would never make the appointment with the Doctor for the snip snip. Dawn is the true mastermind. I would have to watch my back with this woman.

Harvey, dropped me off in front of my apartment and threw the three laundry bags out into the street, as I hobbled off the ambulance.
"See you next week at the laundry," Harvey said. Chucky took off, before Harvey could even close the door. He almost fell on his ass into the street with my laundry bags. "I have to find other masterminds," he said as he finally got his balance and closed the doors. The sirens went screaming into the future.
From the window, my two year old girl saw me and said, "Daddy, daddy," and then added her own language gibberish which she was beginning to teach the two month old baby.
Dawn greeted me at the door, "It was the only way...And the Doctor and Harvey came free. I only had to pay Chuckie fifty bucks.
"Why was the Doctor free?" I asked as I put the last bag of laundry down and groaned."
"He's practicing, He only had performed a vasectomy on a corpse and he wanted to try it on a working stiff."
"Wow."
"How many cups of Dreft did you use on the kids laundry?" Dawn asked,as she smelled the kids clothes.
I would have to watch this woman closely from now on.