My Mother's Rabbi Eats Spam For Breakfast

Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

"It's not kosher and it shouldn't be in a shul. Spam is a pork product. I want you should wrap it up and take it with you," the elder Rabbi Lipschitz gesticulated.
"Rabbi, the spam is not food. You've been pushing every button and allowing every virus into this computer. It's only two weeks old and it's acting like it's a hundred years old," the poor kid technician with acne said.
"With age comes wisdom."
What an idiot I thought. I'm glad I brought Zane with me. He was acting as a buffer between the triangulization which both the Rabbi and the techy wanted from me. I wasn't falling for it. None of my business. In fact, I thought I was going to see the younger Lipschitz, who I grew up with. In fact, the elder Lipschitz blamed me for the younger Rabbi's early years of rabble rousing. Sammy Lipschitz the son was on summer vacation.
The young twitching techy said, "You are the ground zero for computer age.You are going to bring us back to the stone age." I thought the kid was going to cry as he sat at the keyboard and kept slamming away at keys, How did you do this?"
"I opened it up and I took it out and then I put it back."
"What are you looking for?
"Terrorists, there's terrorists in this machine.When ,I'm on the street and I meet up with a terrorist, I use my mace. With computers, I want to send my army in and see what kind of monster I am dealing with."
The kid shook his head and looked at me. I bounced Zane on my lap and made googily sounds. Not my business.
"Please, stay off the porn sites and the weird stuff. Your son is coming back next week and I promised him a fast speed computer.

I missed Rabbi Sammy Lipschitz. I don't get to see him enough. Old friend, we were bar mitzvahed together. We also went to Queens College together, before Sammy got the calling.

"The only reason I went on these places was to understand the young ones. I don't understand even more now.I don't even recognize the sex. It looks different from what I remember.
The kid teckie did not know what hit him. He did not understand our tribe. He said, Can I get paid now? You still owe me for the other two times I came here."
"I told you when my son gets back. He's allowed to go on vacation. Every Rabbi is entitled to a little time off. After all, we even work on the Sabbath. We're the only ones. The big boy even takes the day off. So, can you blame my son for taking a vaca..."
He got cut off, " I have to go back with some money.
The old man looked my way. He wiggled his fingers at me. I stood up and fumbled for my wallet, as I juggled Zane. Finally, I grudgingly pulled out a twenty.
He jiggled his fingers for more. I pulled out a fifty and handed it to him. Before, I could ask for the twenty back, the money was in the kids hands and he shot out the door.

"So, how are you and the kids?"
I sighed,"Having two is more trouble than I expected."
"Listen, this is not about you and what you think. I know how you rabble rousing self hating Jews,with your tatoos and your pork eating, think. This is not about thinking. This is about your mother and the new business she's starting. I know nothing of these Domino tricks, but I know she has a bad back and arthritis and these dominoes are small and cumbersome.
"Domino tricks?"
"Are you stupid. I always thought you were stupid. Even as a kid, you had a mule way about you."
"You're just still mad at me for the Lips Shits joke you heard me tell the kids on my Bar Mitzvah."
"I don't know any... What joke is that?"
"I said to the kids,'If his lip shits, my ass talks."
"Do you think I didn't remember that?"
"Then why did you ask me?"
"I thought maybe by now you would have shame about the joke, I've had to live with that joke for seventy two years with this stupid joke. You think you made that up. Every gangster in the Lower East Side used to say that to me and I kicked the shit out of them. You want to fight? I've let it go for thirty five years. My son heard you tell that joke too."
"He was laughing."
"He was laughing because you were turning him into a junkie."
"It was 1973. We ate some Hash brownies."
"You're a trouble maker and you've always been a trouble maker. Did the boy have a bris?"
"Yes, a beautiful ceremony with Doctor Meyer."
"Doctor, what do you mean Doctor? Not a moyal?"
"She was a Doctor and a Moyal."
"SHE? a woman performed the ceremony? We'll come back to this. I don't have all night."
I figured he wanted me out of there so he could do his research on porno for his congregation on the Internet.
"Your mother's new career. How could such a nice woman like your mom think that she can start to do domino tricks. She'll have to be on her hands and knees all day."
"She'll have slaves to do whatever she says."
"Mexicans?" he seemed perplexed.
"Alot of people will be willing to do whatever she says."
"She does have a dominating way about her. Maybe you're right. She said she already bought the outfit. It was quite expensive and she said a camera crew is doing a t.v. episode about her. Is she out of her league? She's just starting. Will she fall flat on her face."
"I think you and I both know that my mother is in a league of her own, and if she falls flat on her face, they'll be others underneath her to catch her." This was fun. I am a troublemaker.
Good, good," Rabbi Lipschitz said now distracted by his computer. I was almost out the door. I started packing Zane up to get home and get some sleep.
"Your mother wants you to meet with her and her shrink at her next appointment."
"Huh?"
"She told me not to tell you but I'll tell you. She wants to discuss your anti-semitism with her shrink."
"My anti-semitism?
"Yes, for thirty years, since your 'ass talks' days and the drugs in cake and your meshuganah tattoos of Alfred Newman. At least, it wasn't Adolph Hitler. Still a Jew with a tattoo that says,'What me Worry?' is worrisome and not so Jewish. Show me a Jew that doesn't worry. Go on show me 'Ass talks'. I'm from the Lower East Side. I kicked Lepke's ass. I kicked Meyer Lansky's ass... I kicked alot of ass. I can kick "Ass talks' ass.
"You're serious?"
" I can definately kick your ass."
"No, I mean about going to her shrink?"
"You're appointment is on Friday. Now, on another topic. Where is the babies foreskin?"
"We buried it in McGolrick Park in Greenpoint in a nice ceremony under a beautiful tree."
"Well, go dig it up. If you don't want your mother to think you're not anti-semetic, go get that foreskin. It shouldn't be buried with the Poles in Greenpoint. You must dig it up, and send it to Israel as a sign of support to Israel and your mother. It must nurish a tree in Israel."
"Do other people do that?"
"We're not talking about other people. We're talking about your identity."

When I got home, I handed off the baby to Dawn. My head was spinning.
Dawn asked,"How'd it go with Lip Shits?" she knew the joke.
My sorry ass had nothing to say.

Friday, I go to my mom's shrink. Stay tuned. It should be interesting